Dear Miss Armstrong,
Let me just start by saying that I’ve been a huge fan of yours since Season One of Ultimate Hardcore Weight Loss Challenge. What you accomplished with that 460-pound woman from Little Rock convinced me that there was someone out there who was strong, passionate and caring enough to help me with my own weight problem. I’m writing to ask you to consider working with me on your show, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that this may be the very last chance for me to change my destructive eating habits.
As you can see from the above photo, I’m a bear. There I am, tipping the scale at more than 700 pounds shortly after an unfortunate eating binge in which I devoured four campers and their Labradoodle. This was just outside Jackson Hole in the summer of 2012 and, as the picture illustrates, I’m not feeling too good about myself. There was a time not long ago when I was a trim cub of under 350 pounds, splashing around, scoring fish, and mixing it up with my buddies in the river. As I packed on more weight over the years, however, my metabolism took a real hit and I had to feed on slower, more docile prey. Like tourists, for instance.
I don’t want to live this kind of life. I’ve tried all sorts of diets and other weight loss programs over the years. Some were successful, but I always ended up gaining back the pounds I lost, and then some. Now, I’m pretty close to just giving up. Some days it’s all I can do to drag myself out of the cave and dig through the trash of a nearby campground. Other days I’m too depressed to even do that. I just veg out in front of the TV, counting the weeks until hibernation.
Miss Armstrong, I know you’re a busy woman, and that you get letters like this all the time. I also know that having a man-eating grizzly on your show might be considered a risk. All I can say is, if selected to participate in Season Two of U.H.W.L.C., I promise that I will do everything you ask of me, and then some. I know my health and happiness depend on it.