Things We Posted About on Social Media at Other Grim Points in History

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churchill, civil war, Facebook, history, lincoln, napoleon, social media

As we count down the days to a hopeful 2021, it’s tempting to go on Facebook and label 2020 as the Worst. Year. Ever.

But anyone who suffered through the Bubonic Plague of 698, the Battle of the Somme in 1916, or any of the other countless human calamities throughout history might argue otherwise.

As a way of putting 2020 into perspective, here’s a sampling of what people were posting about on social media during other low points in our history:

“To all surviving passengers of the Hindenburg — we sincerely apologize for last night’s incident. Because customer satisfaction is important to us, please allow us to make things right by offering a voucher on a future flight, at the date of your choice to any destination that our airships currently serve!”

–Capt. Max Pruss, May 7, 1937

 “Having a day…”

–U.S. Gen. Ambrose Burnside, Battle of Fredericksburg Dec. 13, 1862

“Hey Facebook peeps! Does removal of ICBMs from Turkey in exchange for removal of Soviet missiles from Cuba sound like a fair trade? Asking for a friend.”

–President John F. Kennedy, Oct. 27, 1962

“My friends think I’m so chill and calm when shit goes down, but some days I could just EXPLODE!”

–Mahatma Gandhi, April 6, 1919

“Fellow Judeans! If you’ve got a son age 2 or younger and you live in the Greater Bethlehem area, we would really love to hear from you! Just click on the link below to complete our two-minute survey. Thx!” 

–King Herod, July 23, 2 AD

“Ever have one of those mornings when you want to crawl back under the covers of your cot and just go back to sleep?”

–Napoleon Bonaparte, Battle of Waterloo, June 18, 1815

“Jeez! Trying to hold a decent cabinet meeting, but this little redhead brat keeps interrupting and singing about ‘tomorrow.’”

–President Franklin Roosevelt, Feb. 20, 1933

“I know I offered ‘blood, sweat, toil and tears’ in yesterday’s speech, but what I could go for right now is a nice, soothing glass of Johnnie Walker.”

–Winston Churchill, May 11, 1940

“Winter in Eastern Pennsylvania can kiss my big, white ass.”

–Gen. George Washington, Jan. 15, 1778

“SO over 1864. Here’s hoping for better things next year.”

–President Abraham Lincoln

Revisionist History: Trump in Gettysburg

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1863, civil war, donald trump, gettysburg, gettysburg address, history, humor, lincoln, politics, satire, Stephen Roth

On the afternoon of November 19, 1863, Donald Trump stepped off the train in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to deliver what would become one of the best-known speeches in American history. There to dedicate the Soldier’s National Cemetery just a few months after Union armies defeated Confederate forces in the nation’s bloodiest battle, the President approached the podium, unbuttoned his grey overcoat and removed an iPad mini, on which he had jotted a few “appropriate words” to honor the fallen.

Here is what the president said:

“This is really beautiful, really fantastic… What a crowd! What a crowd!

Eighty-some-odd years ago—I’m thinking 85, but it might have been longer than that. Anyway, a long, long time ago, some very great men got together and they formed the most powerful nation ever known in the history of the world. This nation was so great, nobody had ever seen anything like it. And you know what made it so great? Top-notch people, for one thing. The very best and brightest. Just fabulous, first-rate people. Also, freedom and this idea that everyone was equal. Even the lowliest street sweeper—some filthy guy who probably made in six weeks what I spent on my last haircut—was every bit as important as a very successful businessman with a huge, diversified real estate portfolio. This was the kind of thinking that made this nation so, so great.

Anyway, now we’re in a civil war, right? And not just any war, but the biggest, bloodiest war ever known to man, because this is the American Civil War. And, as you know, Americans don’t do anything half-assed. I wasn’t here back in July, but I understand this place was a real mess. Bunch of bombs going off, mutilated bodies all over place. Just a major, major battle. A real hell-hole, they tell me. That’s why I’m here today—to honor the dead and, you know, thank them for their service.

You know, I was thinking on the train how, even though these men lost their lives, they’re actually winners. Real winners. Because what they did here at Gettysburg really set the tone. We’ve had so many good things happen in the last few months, it’s been actually amazing. Did you see what Grant did to them at Vicksburg? Did you see that? We’ve got full control of the Mississippi now, which is huge. And we’ve got some plans for those Confederates next year. I don’t wanna to give too much away, but let’s just say it’s gonna be a very hot summer next year in Georgia. A very long, hot summer.

Look, I gotta go. You people have been outstanding. Southern Pennsylvania is a fabulous place. Let me just close by saying these lives were not lost in vain. We’re gonna take Richmond next year. W’re gonna take our country back, folks. We’re gonna remind them why government of the people, by the people, is the best way to do things. Because it’s the American way. Thank you, and God bless.”