10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Your Week off to an Awesome Start

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advice, humor, lifestyle, lists, office, satire, Stephen Roth, workplace

Here are the 10 things I do every Monday morning to ensure that I have the most successful, productive work week possible. Some Mondays, I do not get through all of these steps, but this has proven to be a very effective day-starting process for me:

Wake up. Almost nothing can be accomplished if you are asleep.

Turn off the clock alarm. I have mine set to a country music station, and it is just really annoying if I let it keep playing.

Shower. Good hygiene is an important aspect of success!

Dress. Nakedness is an advantage in only a few select professions and scenarios.

Eat something. Feel free to mix this one up. Some days, you might crave breakfast cereal. On other days, you might prefer a bran muffin. Experiment!

Turn off your curling iron, or any other device you use to get ready that could potentially burn down your home.

Remember your keys. This is an important aspect of starting your car. If you use public transportation, you may still need your keys to get back inside your home.

Bring blankets. If you live in a frigid part of the country and there is a possibility of driving through a snowstorm, you should have blankets in your car in case you get stuck.

Use your mirrors. Rear- and side-view mirrors are invaluable tools that help you monitor traffic around you while driving to your workplace. These mirrors can also help you spot facial hair or smeared makeup that could cause embarrassment among your colleagues.

Bring treats. This is the most critical aspect to your Monday morning routine. Studies show that 87% of workers who received a promotion in 2013 regularly brought food into the office for coworkers to consume. These can be donuts, bagels or even, on rare occasions, scones. Be sure to send an email out with the subject line, “Treats.” It is vital that you copy your supervisor on this email.

Stephen Roth is author of the award-winning novel, A Plot for Pridemore. Learn more about Stephen and his book here.

The Differences Between Facebook and LinkedIn

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business, Facebook, humor, lifestyle, linkedin, list, social media, Stephen Roth

On Facebook, you would never consider connecting with that export manager in Beijing you’ve never met before. But on LinkedIn, why the hell not? She might get you a job one day.

On Facebook, people are delighted when you post photos of your cat basking in a patch of sunlight on the living room carpet. On LinkedIn, not so much.

On Facebook, when you want someone’s friendship, you send him a request. On LinkedIn, when you want a connection, you have to explain how you know that person, whether he is a friend or a colleague, what company you worked at together, how much capital gains he reported in his 2013 1099-DIV, etc., etc. Otherwise, LinkedIn gets kind of bitchy.

On LinkedIn, you can tell how many people have viewed your profile and, in most cases, who they are. On Facebook, you have no idea who has been clicking through your photo album, “Let’s Go Crazy–Cancun Spring Break 2009.”

On LinkedIn, your post announcing that you have successfully negotiated a truce to the civil war in Syria will garner two or three likes. On Facebook, your pronouncement that you just ate Count Chocula cereal for the first time since the early 1980s will get 46 likes, 13 enthusiastic comments and two shares.

“Awesome! My thesis on how to end our dependency on foreign oil got two likes!”

On LinkedIn, your profile pic is a corporate photo of you in your best business suit. On Facebook, your profile pic is an iPhone photo of your kid running through the sprinkler in his diaper.

On LinkedIn, you can ask your top connections several times to please write a recommendation for you, and they never will. On Facebook, you can ask your friends what kind of dishwasher you should buy, and within minutes you will get 25 lengthy, detailed, unique pieces of advice.

On Facebook, you can rant and rave about your pet political issues as much as you want. You can do that on LinkedIn, too, if you think you will never have to look for a job ever again.

With Facebook, you might scroll through your newsfeed and even post something while sitting on the toilet. You would never do that with LinkedIn. It wouldn’t be professional.

Finally, on Facebook, you can visit a friend’s profile and immediately know their politics, how many kids and pets they have, whether or not they are divorced, and whether or not they are mentally healthy. On LinkedIn, all you know about a person is they worked 11 years at KPMG LLP and they like to share articles like “10 Can’t-Miss Accounting Software Solutions.”