Lasso Out as Richmond FC Coach

Tags

ted lasso, jason sudakis, richmond fc, roy kent, apple tv

Richmond Upon Thames, UK (May 15, 2022) — Ted Lasso, the affable, folksy, often controversial American manager of the Richmond FC Greyhounds, abruptly announced his resignation Saturday in a rambling, sometimes tearful monologue before members of the sporting press.

The surprise announcement came during halftime of the Greyhounds’ 4-0 route at the hands of Arsenal. Assistant coach and former Richmond midfielder Roy Kent stepped in as manager for the second half, and is expected to continue in that role on an interim basis. Lasso did not return to the pitch with his team after halftime and reportedly left Nelson Road before the game’s conclusion.

“F**k if I know what happened,” Kent said after the game. “All I know is that maybe we can get back to running some f**king drills in practice rather than this Dr. Phil rubbish we were always doing. I don’t know what he was trying to accomplish half the time, but it was not f**king football.”

In a prepared statement, Richmond owner Rebecca Welton said that “the life lessons Coach Lasso taught all of us will be sorely missed. He was much more than just a manager – he was a mentor, a dear friend and an exemplary baker of British breakfast treats.”

It was a predictably unpredictable conclusion to Lasso’s two-year stint, during which time he defied many Premier League conventions while leading the Greyhounds back from relegation, as well as to a league-record eight consecutive ties.

“I’m just gonna be real honest with y’all for a second here,” Lasso said after beckoning reporters inside his small office adjoining the Richmond locker room. “You know I’ve always been straight with you. Well, except for that one time when I said I walked out of a game because of food poisoning when I was actually experiencing a complete mental and emotional collapse.

“But this here’s the truth that I’m sharing with you now. And the truth is, I just can’t go on as the Greyhounds manager. Not for one second longer. To do that would be just as dishonest and deceitful as Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga denying the white-hot physical chemistry they so obviously shared while singing “Shallow” at the 2019 Oscars.

“And that would be plain wrong.”

Lasso, who has a career record of 36-30-25 as head man of Richmond FC, paused to take a prolonged swig from his bottle of Dasani water, then continued.

“Look, I’ve had a great time here at Richmond. Y’all have taught me things I never would have learned anywhere else – like how ‘WC’ is short for ‘water closet,’ which is just another term for what we call ‘bathroom’ back in the states.

“But I woke up this morning and I thought to myself, ‘What in the Sam-heck am I doing over here in England when I’ve got a young boy thousands of miles away in Kansas who I only talk to once a week on FaceTime?’

“I mean, I talk all the time to our players about becoming better men, becoming better human beings, not only in what y’all call ‘football,’ but in this amazing game we call life. But, how can I preach about being your very best when I’m not even around to raise my 12-year-old son?”

Lasso turned toward his office window, where nine or 10 Richmond players pressed their faces against the glass, possibly wondering what their coach could be talking about. It was 2-nil, Arsenal, and nearly time for the second half.

A tear rolled down Lasso’s cheek as the native Kansan continued to speak in that strange but familiar accent that seemed more rooted in the American South than the Midwest.

“So, I’m out. I’m done. I know a lot of people say they want to ‘spend time with their family’ when they quit something, but this time it’s real. I just can’t be the man I’m supposed to be when there are people I love and care about on the other side of the pond.”

He turned to leave, then wheeled back toward the reporters. Those who have covered the tumultuous reign of Ted Lasso knew from experience that the American coach could rarely stop himself when he had something more to say.

“One other thing – I still don’t understand this game. I still don’t get the offsides rules. And why can’t you score a goal from a throw-in? Why can’t you just throw the ball into the dang goal? That would be cool, wouldn’t it? Makes no logical sense to me why you can’t do that.

“Come to think of it, I was really a crappy hire and it’s amazing we even won a game, especially with all the stuff going on in everyone’s personal lives. This would make a great TV show, I guess, but let’s face it – y’all deserve a real soccer coach.”

Immediate Opening: Public Relations Strategist

Tags

advertising, media, public relations, putin, russia, ukraine

Full-time | mid-senior level

Actively recruiting

The Russian Federation is adding to its PR team! As the world’s largest country by land mass, with aggressive plans for future expansion, our demands for effective, timely communications have never been greater, and we need more public relations talent.

In short, we demand a PR strategist who can hit the ground running. Someone who is a smart, motivated, ambitious professional who loves turning even the most grievous news into an opportunity to win hearts and minds for the Motherland. A natural storyteller who can spin compelling narratives that, while not always fact-based, can inspire, motivate and even comfort the Russian people. A wordsmith and innovator who, when necessary, can find a convenient scapegoat on whom to blame all of the nation’s economic and social problems.

The Public Relations Strategist must be a tireless cheerleader for the Russian Federation brand, while also driving strategy to deliver positive results across a wide range of traditional and social media. This job requires raw determination and an iron will. The Strategist must be able to get his or her hands dirty on various campaigns, must work after-hours and on weekends, and must expect to be challenged by superiors who will sometimes kick and scream or make threats to the PR Strategist’s family when things are not going well for Russia.

Your qualifications must include:

• Between five and 10 years of experience in communications and public relations for a mid-sized to large country – preferably a totalitarian regime.
• Minimum of a Bachelor’s degree in journalism, communications, psychological warfare, social engineering or a related field.
• The ability to set and exceed KPIs and metrics, and then have those KPIs and metrics ripped apart and flung in your face because a rival country tweeted a video of a rocket hitting an apartment building.
• A keen understanding of all forms of social media, particularly TikTok.
• A deep-seated anger and distrust toward the West.
• Strong written and verbal communication skills, and a not-so-strong moral compass.
• The ability to use a bolt-action rifle, endure harsh winters, and subsist on delicious Russian cabbage soup for months at a time.
• An openness to close interaction with supervisors and to having one’s ideas challenged, questioned, ignored, crushed or shat upon.
• A sense of fun and a love of collaboration with one’s comrades.

What we can offer:

• A chance to tour and experience the world — or at least Belarus and North Korea.
• Spacious Kremlin office with bird’s eye view of Red Square that was once occupied by Vyacheslav Molotov.
• An almost certain guarantee to not be targeted in the next Purge.
• Monday morning judo competitions, bare-chested bear wrestling and other extreme feats of daring, administered by the President himself.
• Casual Fridays and ping-pong tournaments.
• An opportunity to take part in the Russian Federation’s Special Military Operation to free the Ukrainian people from Nazification, no matter how much they resist.
• Admission-free visits to Lenin’s Tomb.
• Unlimited PTO.

Not interested in this position? Appalled by the idea of working under Vladimir Putin? Click here to make a real difference in helping victims of the war on Ukraine.

10 Star Wars Spin-Offs That Didn’t Make the Cut

Tags

disney, movies, science fiction, star wars

Don’t sleep on these titles, though. They might someday appear in your Disney+ queue, because everyone in the Star Wars universe, no matter how obscure, has a story to tell.

Farmer’s Life: The Ballad of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru

The Jar-Jar Chronicles, Part I

The Curious Case of Grand Moff Tarkin

Book of Endor: An Ewok Adventure

The Protocol Droid Family’s Holiday Special

Mos Eisley Diary: Wild Nights and Crazy Days with the Cantina Band

Smartest Guys in the Room: How The Jedi High Council Failed the Republic

The Emperor’s New Cloak: A Star Wars Musical

Wookies Gone Wild – Spring Break Edition

Darth Sidious: A New Beginning

Ask the Byrdes!

Tags

marty byrde, netflix, ozark, parenting

In this weekly feature, husband-and-wife entrepreneurs and full-time parents Marty and Wendy Byrde share advice on raising kids, achieving work-life balance and taking time to enjoy what’s most important: family. Note: the opinions expressed are those of Marty and Wendy Byrde, and do not reflect the views of this blog.

Dear Marty and Wendy Byrde,

My husband and I are the proud parents of a four-week-old son! While we’re excited to have a healthy, happy baby, we’re also pretty exhausted. How long can we expect the nonstop routine of feeding, playing with and putting our baby to sleep to continue? No one told us it would be this hard!

— Sleepless in Sarasota

Wendy: First of all, congratulations on your new arrival! That is so exciting! Nothing can top the fulfillment of bringing a little bundle of joy into this world, but I agree that it can be very taxing. What I will tell you is that it does get easier. In a few weeks, your baby boy will be more settled into your routine. He’ll be less fussy, will sleep longer and, eventually, you, your baby and your husband will make it through the night without a diaper change! In the meantime, be kind to one another and make sure you and Hubby are giving each other breaks when you need them.

Marty: I’m just going to echo Wendy’s response and agree that it gets easier – eventually. Full disclosure: the early weeks of baby-rearing were not my favorite. I was recently reminded of this when we cared for a friend’s newborn, Zeke, for a few weeks. I guess the key is knowing that this phase doesn’t last forever, and to try to enjoy it while it lasts. Congrats to you both.

---

Dear Byrdes,

My sister and I are estranged. We’ve been best friends for as long as I can remember, but her dependency on alcohol and prescription drugs has made her erratic and unpredictable. I’m just not comfortable having her around my two children until she addresses her addictions. My mother says I’m being dramatic. Am I? How do I repair my fractured relationship with my sister while also protecting my family?

— Tammy in Toledo

Wendy: Oh, Tammy! Your letter touched my heart as I also have a sibling with substance abuse problems. My brother, Ben, has battled addiction to everything from heroin to opioids most of his adult life. He’s been in and out of treatment centers and, when he’s sober, he is one of the most loving, caring people you could ever meet. Sadly, Ben is currently in a downward spiral and we haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve tried to reach out, but I have no idea where he is.

Marty: Excuse me, Honey, but what the fuck are you doing?

Wendy: I’m talking about Ben and his struggle with addiction.

Marty: Okay, well, first of all, that’s a lie. Ben doesn’t have a drug problem, he has bipolar disorder. So let’s get that straight. Also, when you say, “I have no idea where he is,” that implies that he is somewhere. And people are going to start asking questions about where Ben really is, and I don’t think you’re going to want to answer those questions.

Wendy: All I’m doing is expressing empathy because I, too, know the heartbreak of a fractured sibling relationship. I know it’s hard for you to understand what it’s like to care about another human being, and the sadness of not knowing when you might hear from that person again.

Marty: I just think that maybe we should focus on Tammy’s problem, okay? Maybe not make it about what happened with you and Ben?

Wendy: My God, you’re such an asshole.

Marty: Okay, maybe we should move on to the next letter.

---

Wendy and Marty–

Do you have some advice on how to deal with an overly demanding, toxic, chauvinistic boss? My supervisor calls me on the phone day and night, demanding that I drop everything to meet his demands. He has no respect for boundaries or for my home life. Sometimes, he’ll just start barking at me on the phone without even saying hello! What do you do when you have a jerk for a boss?

— Frustrated in Fresno

Wendy: I think many of us know what it’s like to work for a difficult, demanding boss. Even though Marty and I own several successful businesses, we understand the pain of those late-night or weekend calls on the cell phone, whether it’s during dinner or at one of the kids’ soccer games. You don’t dare let it go to voicemail either, because that will only make things worse. And there’s no compassion on the other end of the line. No concern for what you’re going through. Just a huffy demand for an immediate answer and instant gratification. Not even a friendly goodbye!

Unfortunately, the only thing you can do in this situation is to do exactly as your boss commands. Do not deviate from what he wants and only very carefully suggest something that may be a better solution. Bottom line: he’s your boss. He calls the shots. You work for him. And if you fail to give him exactly what he wants, when he wants it, your life and the lives of those you hold dear may be in very grave danger. Just put on your brightest smile, do your damndest to make your boss happy and maybe, someday, he’ll have mercy on your soul and the phone calls will end. And then, finally, you will know what it is like to be free.

Marty: Yeah. What she said.

---

Dear Marty & Wendy,

Our 16-year-old son lies about everything. He lies about who his friends are, where he’s going to be on Saturday nights, and when we can expect him home. We recently caught him lying about his grades. In fact, he forged an entire report card and then tried to get us to sign it! What should we do? Do we have a budding sociopath on our hands?

— Troubled in Tennessee

Marty: First of all, “Sociopath” is such a strong word, and a little overused these days. Teenagers lie about a lot of different things. That’s not unusual. The question I would ask you is, how good is your son at lying? How often do you catch him in his lies? The fact that he went to the trouble of forging a report card intrigues me. That takes a certain amount of skill and initiative. Maybe, instead of looking at the downside, you should consider that your son might have a rare talent for deception, for which there are many career opportunities. I’m not saying you should encourage the lying, I’m just suggesting it might not be an entirely bad thing.

Wendy: What Marty isn’t telling you is that he has a 14-year-old son who recently devised a very complex scheme of diverting money across a web of different shell companies. And Marty is actually proud that our sweet Jonah is committing about a dozen different felonies. So, consider the source when Marty tells you about the pros and cons of lying.

Marty: Again, Honey, this isn’t about us. This is about helping people with their problems.

Wendy: Oh, so you weren’t a little excited that Jonah invented software allowing him to launder millions of dollars in offshore accounts?

Marty: Well, I was surprised.

Wendy: Don’t give me that “I was surprised” bullshit. There was a goddamn gleam in your eye as you watched him transfer funds on his iMac Pro.

Marty: As I was explaining to the people in Tennessee, sometimes these predicaments our children get themselves into can create some interesting opportunities. It’s not all bad if you look at them as teaching moments, and a chance to do better the next time.

Wendy: In other words, get better at lying.

Marty: No one’s better at lying than you, Honey.

Wendy: Aww, that’s kind of true, isn’t it?

Marty: Next letter.

---

Dear Byrdes,

How do you balance demanding careers and parenting, while still finding time to spend with each other?

— Curious in Columbus

Marty: Well, you have to work at it! I think we do a good job of mixing it up and keeping things interesting. Even after all these years of marriage, Wendy often will say or do something that just completely floors me. “What in the hell is that woman thinking?” I’ll ask myself. “This time, she’s going to get us all murdered for sure,” is another thought that enters my mind.

Wendy: Life’s an adventure. If you don’t take chances, you’ll never get what you really want.

Marty: Ultimately, I choose to back her in whatever crazy thing she decides to do next. That’s what marriage is all about. We’re in this together.

Wendy: True. He’s my partner in crime.

Got a question for the Byrdes? Drop them a line at MartyandWendy@LicketySplitz.com. Also, enter a contest to win $50 in gambling chips at http://www.TheMissouriBelle.com.

What Your Favorite Movies Would Be Like if They Took Place Today

Tags

all the president's men, breakfast club, ferris bueller, hoosiers, smokey and the bandit, when harry met sally

Smokey and The Bandit

Old Premise: Two wealthy businessmen approach truck-driving legend The Bandit with an enticing challenge — haul a truckload of Coors beer from Texarkana to Atlanta within 24 hours.

New Premise: Two wealthy businessmen approach truck-driving legend The Bandit with an enticing challenge — haul a truckload of personal protective equipment from Texarkana to Atlanta within 24 hours. The Bandit and Snowman arrive in Texas to learn that there is no PPE left to haul, so they hole up in a Texarkana motel room and go on a week-long bender drinking Coors beer. Then, they take on new challenge — haul a group of refugee children to their extended families in California within 24 hours while eluding a comically obsessed ICE agent and his dimwitted son. Bandit becomes a national hero in the process, but is soon shamed on social media for having an outdated Georgia state flag on the front plate of his 1977 Trans Am.

The Breakfast Club

Old Premise: Five teenagers from different high school cliques spend a Saturday in detention with their authoritarian vice principal, Mr. Vernon.

New Premise: Due to the pandemic, all in-person learning is suspended for Chicago area school districts. Mr. Vernon checks in occasionally with the five students via Zoom, and gently encourages them to write 100-word essays about themselves, “when you feel emotionally empowered to do so.” School outcast John begins an online relationship with the prom queen Claire, only to learn that she doesn’t exist and he’s been the target of a catfishing scam.

All the President’s Men

Old Premise: Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein work tirelessly together to unravel the tangled web of the Watergate burglary cover-up, which could reach to the highest levels of the Nixon Administration.

New Premise: The President tells Bob Woodward in a series of recorded, on-the-record interviews that he intentionally misled the American public about the severity of the coronavirus pandemic. Woodward publishes a book about these interviews, and the president’s deception is a big news story for about a week. Carl Bernstein occasionally tweets about how the president is a bad man.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Old Premise: High school galavant Ferris Bueller plays hooky from school, taking his friends on an entertaining romp through Chicago on a beautiful spring day.

New Premise: Due to the pandemic, all in-person learning is suspending for Chicago area school districts. Instead of signing into his school-issued iPad to review his lesson plan, Ferris Bueller stays in bed and catches up on the last season of Ozark.

When Harry Met Sally…

Old Premise: Ten years after they first meet, Harry and Sally form an inseparable bond that challenges the concept that men and women cannot truly remain friends in New York’s hectic singles scene.

New Premise: Harry and Sally decide to take their relationship to the next level when the shutdown begins, Harry gets COVID, and they each quarantine themselves in their surprisingly spacious Manhattan apartments. For the next year, Harry and Sally periodically text each other messages like “U doing ok?” and “Doesn’t this suck?!” during their 12-hour, work-from-home days.

Hoosiers

Old Premise: Journeyman coach Norman Dale takes over the basketball team at tiny Hickory High School, and leads it on an improbable run to the Indiana state championship game.

New Premise: When Indiana cancels the rest of its high school basketball season due to the pandemic, Coach Norman Dale embarks on a downward spiral of self-pity and depression. Eager to earn some much-needed cash, Dale and assistant coach Shooter begin transporting cocaine along Midwestern routes for a powerful Mexican drug cartel. When basketball season starts back up in the fall, Dale has a tough decision to make: return to coaching, remain a mule for the cartel, or possibly do both?

Five Classic Comedy Movie Reviews for These Delicate, Sensitive Times

Tags

animal house, dumb and dumber, movies, political correctness, talladega nights, the hangover, there's something about mary

Animal House (1978)

Unrelenting hedonism and misogyny are the electives of choice for members of a 1960s college fraternity. School administrators try heroically to discipline the Delta Tau Chi house, but to no avail. A juvenile prank leads to the untimely death of a horse, several women are tricked into disrobing, and a pledge commits adultery with the college president’s spouse. “Animal House” is an apt title for a movie in which there is no empathy or respect for rules, rights, and human dignity.

Dumb and Dumber (1994)

Two developmentally disabled men take a cross-country road trip. One of them has an unhealthy crush on a mysterious woman who has left a suitcase at the airport. Trigger Warnings: subject matter includes frozen mucus, bowel control issues, bad haircuts, a lethal amount of chili peppers, and a fatal attack on a rare owl species.

There’s Something About Mary (1998)

There’s something chilling about an unstable man who exposes himself to his prom date’s parents, becomes obsessed with the young woman, then appears near her Florida home several years later. Ben Stiller stars as a man who spins a web of lies to get closer to the unwitting object of his desire. A cautionary tale about those who fall through cracks of our flawed mental health system. Trigger Warning: viewers who care about hygiene may be troubled by the “hair gel” scene.

Talladega Nights (2006)

Rural stereotypes abound in this crass tale of stock car driver Ricky Bobby’s fall from grace. A European rival, played by Sacha Baron Cohen, tries to teach Ricky Bobby a lesson about tolerance and sportsmanship, but is instead ridiculed for leading an alternative lifestyle and for being French. An explicit scene in which a dinner prayer is parodied for cheap laughs may be offensive to some viewers.

The Hangover (2009)

Four white males exercise their privilege by booking a lavish bachelor party weekend in Las Vegas. Not satisfied to simply reflect on life and enjoy each other’s company, the friends quickly become inebriated and encounter a range of dubious adventures that include animal cruelty, Asian stereotypes, excessive use of a Taser, and an agitated and possibly violent Mike Tyson. Finally, the Vegas getaway is scheduled one day before the groom’s wedding, a plot device that perfectly captures male indifference to relationships and long-term commitments.

Love Songs for Social Media

Tags

Facebook, google+, instagram, linkedin, social media, twitter

“Zuckerberg Knows” (to the tune of “God Only Knows”)

I may not always friend you,
but I got some baby pics to send you.
And did you hear what Trump said?
Just check out my latest post thread.
Zuckerberg knows how I feel about you.

If you should dare unfriend me.
Who knows how that would upend me?
So just click on a smile emoji,
for my post about Ben Kenobi.
Zuckerberg knows how I feel about you.

“Just the Google+” (to the tune of “Just the Two of Us”)

I get the feeling no one’s here
and what makes that cool, my dear,
is I got this place to myself.
A social network of my own
and the seven friends I’ve known.
They don’t hang here anymore.

Just the Google+
That’s where I like to jam.
Just the Google+
(Just the Google+)
Just the Google+
You can keep your Instagram!
Just the Google+
It’s who I am.

“I Had to Add You” (to the tune of “It Had to be You”)

I had to add you.
I had to add you.
I networked around and finally found
that connection who
could help me get paid
and then maybe get laid
and even be sad
just to be glad
LinkedIn was made.

Some folks on LinkedIn
connect just for grins.
They don’t really aim
for fortune or fame.
What world are they in?

For nobody else could get me a job.
Without your clout, I’d be a slob.
I had to add you,
wonderful you.
I had to add you.

“The Tweet of My Life” (to the tune of “The Time of My Life”)

Now, I’ve had the tweet of my life,
and I’ve never wrote this way before.
Yes, I swear
it’s the truth
and I owe it all to booze.

I just had a Jack & Coke
and about a dozen whiskey shots.
And now that I’m online,
well, you know I’ve gotta share my thoughts.

Yeah, there’s trouble all around,
You know, North Korea and all that stuff.
And my ex is on the prowl,
thinking that she’ll call my bluff!

Just remember–
Tweetin’s the one thing
I can’t get enough of.
So in 280 or less characters,
I’ll spread the love.

Because, I had the tweet of my life…

If Life Were Like Facebook

Tags

Facebook, lee greenwood, president, social media, trump, twitter

My wife woke me Friday morning with her usual greeting.

“You won’t believe what he did now,” she muttered.

Not bothering to answer, I lifted my phone from the bedside table, scrolled through my newsfeed, and found the article that was the source of this morning’s agitation: “Trump Moves Press Corps to White House Basement.”

I re-posted the article on my feed with a one-word introduction: “Ugh.” Then I hit the shower.

The drive to work was predictably slow, as traffic threaded past several rear-end accidents that were likely due to people posting updates and checking their “likes.” Self-driving cars can’t get here soon enough, I thought.

“Trump’s an idiot,” my coworker, Josh, declared as I settled into my office cubicle. “He is a horrible, horrible human being.”

“Yeah, I heard about the press corps,” I replied.

“No,” said Josh, dabbing his nose with a well-worn Kleenex. “I’m talking about the executive order declaring ‘God Bless the U.S.A.’ as the new national anthem.”

“Ridiculous,” agreed Kathryn, popping her head above the cubical wall, wide-eyed as a frightened prairie dog. “This has got to stop. Who voted for this guy?”

“I voted for him,” Adam said, swiveling his chair toward us. “And it’s time for a new anthem. Lee Greenwood has done a hell of a lot more for this country than Francis Scott Key ever did.”

“Great news!” Jenny said as she breezed past our row. “My daughter just got accepted to Stanford!”

“Good for her,” Josh said with a snort. “A college degree will mean a lot when we’re all working the salt mines for the Chinese.”

We went to lunch a little earlier than usual, it being a Friday and all. After posting pics of our entrees on our respective newsfeeds, we returned to lamenting Trump’s latest tweet about election fraud.

“I know, right?” the waitress chirped as she handed us a fresh basket of microwaved cheese bread. “He’s such a psychopath. Shaking my head!”

The afternoon dragged on at work, as it usually does, but I was proud of the 240-word post I wrote about freedom of the press and the looming national tragedy. By the time I left the office, it had garnered 24 “likes,” and seven “loves.”

Glancing down at my phone as I merged onto the highway, I never saw the Peterbilt truck that sideswiped my Prius, sending it rolling over a ditch and into the trees that lined the road.

I woke up hours—maybe days—later, in a hospital room bathed in sunlight.

“You hear what Trump did today?” a nurse asked as she checked my chart.

“I know,” my wife muttered, peering at her phone. “What did we ever do to deserve this crap?”

Stephen Roth is the author of the comic novel A Plot for Pridemore, which won the 2012 Ferrol Sams Award for Fiction.

Trump’s First Tweets as President

Tags

obama, pence, president, trump, twitter

3:21 a.m., Jan 21 – So proud 2 be POTUS and lead this really, really great country of ours. Inauguration balls were phenomenal. Really wish Melania was here.

3:24 a.m. Jan 21 – Time for bed. Busy day tomorrow. We are going to get so much done. Good night, America!

7:36 a.m. Jan 21 – Very nasty editorial in the failing NYTimes today about my speech. WashPost no better. Nobody reads newspapers anyway.

7:57 a.m. Jan 21 – Really, really disappointed in CNN’s lies. We are going to do a number on them.

8:34 a.m. Jan 21 – Working very, very hard this morning!

9:23 a.m. Jan 21 – Just back from 1st security briefing as POTUS. Things worse than expected. Thank you, Obama!

9:34 a.m. Jan 21 – You would not believe what they tell POTUS in these security meetings. Sworn to secrecy, but you would not believe what they tell me.

9:39 a.m. Jan 21 – BTW, that Area 51 thing. Totally true!

9:45 a.m. Jan 21 – JFK assassination very interesting. Can’t say much, but do not believe what you have been taught in history class! #publicschoolsfail

9:51 a.m. Jan 21 – Also, Nixon may have been gay. Still a great president!

10:10 a.m. Jan 21 – First executive order! Rezoning land in Palm Springs for Trump Pacifica Hotel. Creating jobs for SoCal economy. More 2 come!

10:15 a.m. Jan 21 – Still thinking about security briefing. Tough times, but you are in good hands, America!

10:45 a.m. Jan 21 – Secret service wants my Android and Twitter account password. Never!

10:50 a.m. Jan 21 – VP Pence very annoyed with me. Such a good man. Hate when he gets angry. @realDonaldTrump going offline for now.

The Social Media Activist

Tags

activism, election, Facebook, politics, social media, twitter

He’s the first one to post
when things couldn’t be worse.
A riot, the government,
the Billy Goat Curse.

He trolls through the Web
With justice in mind.
Writing words that are true,
But not terribly kind.

When he’s really annoyed,
he might go on a screed
about late-term abortions
or the music of Creed.

He’s the friend whom you never
would dare to unfriend.
For you know that he’d notice,
and then angrily send
you a message that asks
why you’d ever take issue
at his meme about guns.
Should he fetch you a tissue?

He’s the social media activist.

And then there are moments
that touch everyone’s heart,
A shooting, a court case,
Someone’s life ripped apart.

At that very moment,
He will rush to his Dell
And alter his profile pic
to show he means well.

It’s the least he can do
as a person who cares
about big events
that score “likes” and “shares.”

He’s the social media activist.

And every four years
when they have an election,
he’ll post all day long
about his selection.

He’ll share lots of click-bait,
some of it true,
about his opponents
And bad things that they do.

Crowding out all the posts
about babies and kittens,
and marriage announcements,
and warm, woolen mittens.

It’s kind of turned into his calling,
you see.
When he’s not stuck at work
or home watching TV.

He’s there to remind us
of terrible stuff
that will or may happen,
of how life can be tough.

And I think he’s succeeded
to an alarming extent
at making Facebook and Twitter
great places to vent.

He’s the social media activist.