Eighteen Months of Happy Gilmore

Tags

2016, adam sandler, election, happy gilmore, hillary clinton, trump

Happy Gilmore is a movie about a guy who decides to become a professional golfer, even though he knows nothing about the sport and has no training. Amazingly, he starts winning tournaments and builds up an army of followers who love Happy’s fiery demeanor, especially when compared with the stodgy, unlikable players who have dominated golf for so long. Happy even draws in fans who have never followed the sport before.

I feel like the past 18 months have been a political version of Happy Gilmore. I’m surprised by last night’s election results, but I am not shocked. Whether you are “happy” today or not, this is the country we live in right now. I’m praying for the best possible outcome.

I Do Love the Football

Tags

alabama crimson tide, bear bryant, college football, georgia bulldogs, herschel walker, southern miss, west point lake

For me, Labor Day weekend always means the start of football. Every few years or so, pro football will kick off its regular season on the Sunday before the holiday but, more often than not, Labor Day is exclusively tied to college football. Tomorrow and Sunday will bring an unusually tasty menu of big games between traditional powers: Alabama vs USC, Clemson vs Auburn, Texas vs. Notre Dame. I can’t wait to see how it all plays out.

My love for college football started when I was 11 years old. That was 1982, Herschel Walker’s Heisman Trophy-winning season, so I naturally became a devoted Georgia Bulldogs fan. Nobody told me at the time that the Bulldogs would not return to the Sugar Bowl for another 20 years after that season. Maybe I would have chosen to root for Alabama if I had been able to peer into the future.

As the years passed, my football obsession grew. On Labor Day weekend of 1984, my father and I were invited to go water skiing on a friend’s boat at West Point Lake. I didn’t want to go. It was the start of college football, and I intended to plop myself on the downstairs couch, eat popcorn and watch games all day. I finally agreed to go to the lake after my dad dug up a tiny little transistor radio so that I could listen to the action of the Georgia-Southern Miss game.

The Bulldogs had a young, inexperienced offense that year, and Southern Miss was pretty good. The game was back-and-forth between the two teams. As we rode in the boat, watching my friend glide in and out of our wake on his slalom ski, I held the radio to my ear and sweated out the final minutes of the 26-19 Georgia win. I remember that the Dawgs’ Kevin Butler (who went on the play for the 1985 Chicago Bears) kicked four field goals in that game. I went home that day sunburned and happy.

Looking back, it probably seemed odd that a 13-year-old boy would prefer to listen to a football game on the radio rather than swim, water-ski and wrestle on the lake’s muddy shore with his friend. Even now I have to shake my head at the number of gorgeous fall afternoons I spent indoors watching football games on TV, regardless of whether the action was SEC, Big Ten, ACC or the NFL. At a time when I was crossing that uncomfortable void between boyhood and adolescence, televised football and other sports were something I could count on every weekend. I might be carrying a D-minus average in Algebra, I might be afraid to talk to the girl sitting in front of me in seventh period, but there was always a chance the Georgia would rise up and beat Auburn on Saturday afternoon (they usually didn’t, though).

Football doesn’t mean as much to me now as it did then, but I still enjoy watching the games, even with all the money, corruption and other negative things swirling around big-time athletics. As the great Alabama coach Bear Bryant once growled, “I do love the football.”

What Clint Eastwood Knows About Trusting Your Gut

Tags

clint eastwood, every which way but loose, missouri, show-me state, university of missouri

Clint + Monkey = Cinema Gold

In the late 1970s, when Clint Eastwood read the script for the movie, Every Which Way But Loose, all of his business advisors urged him to turn down the role.

“My lawyer begged me not to do it,” Eastwood recalled in a recent interview with Esquire. “’This is a piece of shit. It’s not the kind of thing you do.’ And I said, ‘It’s not the kind of thing that I’ve been doing—all these pictures where I’m shooting people. I want something you can take your kids to.’”

Eastwood ended up doing the move, of course. And while Every Which Way But Loose was hardly a cinematic masterpiece, it became a commercial hit. It did not ruin Eastwood’s acting career. While the decision to do the movie seemed risky at the time, Eastwood liked the story about a rough-and-tumble trucker and an orangutan named Clyde. It was something different.

“If you make a couple decisions where your instincts worked well, why would you abandon them?” Eastwood said.

I remember one night in the fall of 1988, walking to the mailbox and pulling out a brochure from the University of Missouri. I was a high school senior at the time, and I was looking at different colleges to attend. Missouri wasn’t on my radar at all. I had never been to the Show-Me State, and didn’t know much about it beyond Harry Truman and Mark Twain. In fact, I still have no idea how the people at the University of Missouri got my contact information.

Nevertheless, as I sat down at our kitchen table and flipped through the glossy brochure, I got excited. Something about the place just seemed right. I filled out the application that night and mailed it the next day. Ten months later, I was a freshman in Columbia, Missouri, more than 700 miles from my hometown.

I had practical reasons for choosing my college—I wanted to go to journalism school, and Missouri had a good one. Mostly, though, my decision was based on instinct. It just felt like the right place for me.

I think it was a good decision, and it has directed almost everything that has happened in my life since—my career, the woman I married, the city we live in, most of my friends. All of that would have been completely different had I chosen to attend, say, the University of Georgia.

I am grateful for following my instincts that night in 1988. The life that has unfolded since has been a good one.

As we get older and pick up more responsibilities, it becomes harder to act on a hunch. Often, we choose the safer route because we have so much more at stake than when we were young. We aren’t high school seniors anymore, and we certainly aren’t movie stars who can afford to take a chance on making a goofball truck driver flick.

But our instincts are still there. When is the last time you listened to yours? How did that decision work out for you?

Sometimes, our instincts lead us to do strange things.

Your Official Drinking Game for the 2016 Super Bowl

Tags

beyonce, bud bowl, carolina panthers, coldplay, denver broncos, national football league, NFL, peyton manning, roger goodell, Super Bowl

• For each player who has been arrested on the night before the big game, take a drink.

• For each shot of a head coach pacing the sidelines in his officially licensed team gear, headphones and haircut, take a drink.

• For every mention of “The coveted Lombardi Trophy,” take a drink.

• Each time a beer commercial features an adult male getting hurt or humiliated, take a drink.

• When the camera pans in on a pale, grey-haired team owner and his trophy wife peering down at the game from their luxury box, take a drink.

• When the camera shows Roger Goodell in his luxury box, take a drink, take a knee and say a quick prayer thanking your Creator that you have year-round media coverage of the NFL to look forward to for the rest of your life.

• Each time the announcers speculate on whether or not this will be Peyton Manning’s final game, take a drink.

• Take a drink each time Peyton Manning cries out “Omaha!”

• Take a drink each time Peyton Manning throws an interception. Take two drinks if it is a “pick-six.”

• Whenever the color analyst mentions “good penetration,” “red zone,” or “taking it to the hole,” take a drink and exchange a knowing smirk with your significant other.

• For every commercial featuring horses, babies or puppy dogs, take a drink and keep a Kleenex handy to dab the grateful tears from your eyes.

• This year’s halftime entertainment will be Coldplay, Beyonce, and a “special guest.” If that secret performer turns out to be U2, slam the rest of your drink. If it turns out to be Taylor Swift, slam your drink and the drink of the person sitting next to you.

• For every commercial making a “statement” about a Serious National Concern like child obesity or rickets or binge drinking, take a drink and complain about how you don’t need to be reminded of this shit during the Super Bowl.

• Take a drink each time someone in the room reminisces fondly about the Bud Bowl.

• When the celebratory cooler of Gatorade is dumped on the winning head coach, take one drink if the liquid looks orange, and two drinks if it has more of a reddish tint.

• After the game and the locker room interviews and the post-game analysis, take two Advils and maybe take a walk around your neighborhood in the brisk night air. Tomorrow’s a working day, and you’ve got to be up by six in the morning.

The Nine Worst Songs to Play at Someone’s Wedding Reception

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ben folds, billy joel, bruce springsteen, carly simon, eric clapton, fun, harry chapin, humor, music, r.e.m., rock, social distortion, Stephen Roth

9 .”Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton

This soft rock “classic” makes the playlist at a lot of wedding receptions, and it shouldn’t. Here’s why: on the surface, “Wonderful Tonight” sounds like a sweet, loving tribute from Eric to his then-wife (and George Harrison’s ex-wife), Pattie Boyd. But listen to the words, and there is definitely something darker going on: “It’s time to go home now, and I’ve got an aching head. So I give her the car keys, and she helps me to bed.” In other words, Clapton tied one on at the party and is too drunk to make love to his beautiful wife, or even drive her home. He just keeps murmuring “You were wonderful tonight,” before finally passing out. Is that any way to start out a marriage?

8. “That’s the Way I Always Heard it Should Be,” Carly Simon

Ugh. Carly Simon is a beautiful, talented woman, so why did she have to record this grim number about shedding your identity and conforming to social norms? Was she trying to warn James Taylor that their marriage was going to be a dud? “You want to marry me? We’ll marry,” Carly drones sleepily, like someone who has been mixing their antidepressants with too much alcohol. A wonderful theme song if they ever decide to make another re-boot of The Stepford Wives.

7. “You to Thank,” Ben Folds

Ben Folds has been to the altar four times, which has enabled him to build an impressive catalog of songs about shitty marriages. The couple in “You to Thank” is doomed from the start. Their first Christmas together, they manage to put on a brave front for their parents, but both man and wife are already contemplating exit plans. “I’ve got you to thank for this!” Folds wails at his imaginary partner while banging out a few angry chords. If you happen to invite Ben Folds to your wedding reception, you might keep him a safe distance from the piano…and the liquor.

6. “Everybody Hurts,” R.E.M.

This 1992 hit from when the Athens, Georgia band was at the height of its powers reads like one of those brightly colored pamphlets you might find in your grief counselor’s waiting room. “Hold on,” and “Don’t throw your hand,” is Michael Stipe’s advice for us, even though the day is long and tomorrow’s going to be another crappy day, and there isn’t much worth living for. I listened to this song a lot after breaking up with a college girlfriend. It didn’t help.

5. “Cats in the Cradle,” Harry Chapin

Not specifically about marriage, but just an all-around downer about career pressures and family life. The CliffsNotes on this 1970s folk hit: Dad doesn’t make time to do things with his son, then gets all bent out of shape when the kid, now grown, doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Karma’s a bitch, and Harry makes sure we get the point, over and over again, with a sentimental but catchy chorus.

4. “Carry On,” Fun

I threw this one in here because I heard a mom humming it to her three-year-old in the park today, and I was reminded of what a terrible, terrible song this is for any occasion. Yet another piece of unsolicited advice from a twenty-something pop star on how to endure this long slog through the muck called life: “If you’re lost and alone, and you’re sinking like a stone, carry o-o-o-o-on!” Somewhere out there, Michael Stipe is flapping his arms awkwardly.

3. “Ball and Chain,” Social Distortion

Title says it all, doesn’t it? The protagonist in this song copes with his failing marriage by holing up in a cheap motel, drinking all day at the bar, and telling anyone who will listen about his troubles. “You can run all your life, but not get anywhere,” he says, apparently too depressed or drunk to pick up the phone and tell his wife it’s over.

2. “Darkness on the Edge of Town,” Bruce Springsteen and E Street Band

One of the bleakest, most depressing songs from a man who has written a career’s worth of bleak, depressing songs. Deception, humiliation, unemployment, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts–“Darkness” covers all the elements that can turn a marriage into a living nightmare. Word has it even The Boss himself had to ingest a couple of Valium after recording this 1978 classic.

1. “Just the Way You Are,” Billy Joel

“Baby, don’t go changin’ to try and please me. Because, I’ll tell you, this is one hombre who ain’t changin’ for no one! What you see is what you get, that’s what I say! And what if you start changin’ too much, maybe tryin’ to improve yourself by going to the gym or takin’ night classes? Well, then, I’ll be forced to change into an angry little man who’s gonna need to know what his wife is up to every single second of the day. Nobody needs that, right?! So quit your yappin’ and let’s sit down and watch Rockford Files together, okay?”

Editor’s Note: No Pink Floyd, Nirvana or country music songs were considered for this list because, well, what would be the point?

The Sadness of the Selfie

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buzzfeed, Facebook, humor, media, obama, observations, oscars, president, selfie, selfie stick, twitter

Me, in my car today.

There once was a time not too long ago when taking pictures of yourself could only mean that you didn’t have anyone in your life to take your picture for you.

Nobody took selfies, not even with Polaroid cameras. To do so would admit to the world that you were either a pathetic, lonely loser, or someone who was extremely egotistical. A self-taken picture was sad and embarrassing, like a teen-aged boy caught playing alone with a football and making his own crowd noise in the backyard.

Times have changed.

Anyone with a smartphone knows that selfies are now an accepted, and frequent, form of social expression. Even the President takes them. If you missed the BuzzFeed video from a week ago of the Commander-in-Chief mugging around with a Selfie Stick, here it is.

Obama took a lot of flack for it, just as he does for everything else. I feel for the guy, but I have to admit that there’s something embarrassing about the Most Powerful Man in the World, the one responsible for our foreign policy and all our troops oversees, staring self-consciously and making faces at his phone like an eighth-grader. The message of the video seems to be, “Hey, the President is a regular guy, just like you.” That is not a sentiment that fills me with a rush of confidence.

It would be easy for me to plant a flag in the ground and say, “Hey, we weren’t taking pictures of ourselves back in the 1980s and 90s.” The reality is that we probably would have been if the technology were around to make it so easy to do. Selfies are not making us more narcissistic. We have always been narcissistic. Selfies just make our narcissism more obvious to the outside world. Maybe that is a form of public service.

I don’t take selfies very often. One reason is that I have short arms, and I only learned about the existence of the Selfie Stick about a week ago. Another reason is I don’t think very many people are interested in viewing self-generated photos of me. A third reason is plain old sheepishness: a selfie posted on Facebook or Twitter seems squeamishly revealing, like inviting someone I don’t know very well to come over to my house and watch me make faces in the bathroom mirror.

I should just get over myself. The selfie is here to stay. Neil Patrick Harris is already bragging about how his selfie at the upcoming Oscars is going to top Ellen’s selfie from last year’s Oscars! What can you say? People love it! We selfie, therefore we are, or however that old saying goes.

In a way, selfies may be the most honest form of expression, and may reveal more about ourselves than we intend. I’m going to try to remember that the next time I take a photo of my feet in front of a swimming pool.

Stephen Roth is the author of the humorous novel, A Plot for Pridemore. Be sure to “like” his author fan page at https://www.facebook.com/StephenRothWriter

How to Tell if There’s a Frank Underwood Lurking in Your Office

Tags

d.c., frank underwood, house of cards, kevin spacey, netflix, office, politics, sociopath, television, washinton, workplace

If you are among the millions of Americans who subscribe to NetFlix, you probably know that Frank Underwood is the scheming, manipulative, smooth-as-molasses congressman played by Kevin Spacey in the popular political series, House of Cards. If you are not familiar with Frank Underwood, but plan on binge-watching House of Cards before the third season comes out in February, you might stop reading this post now. I may or may not have included a few spoilers. As Francis Underwood might say, consider yourself duly warned.

Even though a few of Frank Underwood’s actions and deceptions while consolidating political power seem far-fetched, most of us accept the idea that the halls of the U.S. Capitol are teeming with charming, well-dressed sociopaths. That’s why House of Cards works – it feeds off of and heightens our cynical perception of D.C. politics. “Yep,” you might say after watching Frank Underwood’s latest late-night maneuver, “I could totally see that happening.”

Watching Frank operate in the Beltway is entertaining, but what if he’s a little closer to home? Specifically, what if there is a Frank Underwood milling around right now in your workplace?

The good news is that few sociopaths are clever and socially skilled enough to take over an organization the way Frank takes over Washington. If you do, in fact, have a true Frank Underwood in your office, chances are good that he already has you well on your way to being fired or, worse, indicted for a white-collar crime you did not knowingly commit.

What’s more likely is that the sociopath in your cube farm is of average intellect and has left a few hints as to his or her true intentions. Here, then, are a few warning signs that you might have a co-worker who is up to no good:

He Lays it on a Tad Too Thick

Frank Underwood’s greatest strength is his charm. He can butter people up – or fire them up – to go forth and do his bidding. Everyone on House of Cards, from the owner of Frank’s favorite barbecue joint to the President of the United States, falls prey to Frank’s country-boy-from-South Carolina routine at some point or another.

Most folks do not possess the strength of character that propels Frank Underwood. Narcissistic people can be extremely charming and charismatic, but their spells do not work on everyone. When dealing with coworkers, trust your instincts. What kind of vibe do they give you? When someone tries to seduce you with flattery and magnetism, they are likely to overdo it, or their approach may seem out-of-character. Ask yourself: Why is Rick in Marketing being so nice to me all of a sudden? Why is he bringing donuts into the office every Monday after years of not even participating in the Christmas potluck? What does he want?

This approach to your working relationships may seem cynical, but it can also prevent you from becoming an easy target.

She Wants Everyone to Know How Hard She Works

Law enforcement types say one of the tell-tale signs of a serial embezzler is that he or she rarely takes time off. Embezzlers fear that their schemes may be exposed while they are on a vacation, so they never take one.

Taking pride in a job well done is an attribute. However, be leery of colleagues who go on and on about how hard they are working, make a big show of staying late, and regularly go into the office on weekends when no one else is around. Be especially suspicious if these efforts do not result in increased productivity, or if that employee has a “process” to their work that nobody else seems to understand. What the heck are they doing with all that extra time in the office if they aren’t getting better results?

Frank Underwood makes a big deal about how hard he works, staying in the office late into the night to broker deals or hold strategy sessions. He does this even while working on bills he secretly wants to fail. It’s all great political theater, and it makes Frank look good to his colleagues. Don’t let these kinds of tactics fool you in your workplace.

He Dishes Dirt About Other Employees

Everyone enjoys a little office gossip, but do you work with somebody who has something derogatory to say about everyone? Kind of makes you wonder what that person is saying behind your back, doesn’t it?

Frank Underwood keeps files on all of his congressional colleagues that detail their salacious deeds. He uses this information as ammo when he wants to blackmail someone into voting his way. Tread lightly around the co-worker who, like Frank, has the dirt on everyone and is more than happy to dish it. You don’t want to give that person too much material for the file he is keeping on you.

She Lies

In Washington, lying is a part of doing business. If you aren’t lying and deceiving, you aren’t getting much done.

In the workplace, however, lying is destructive. Catching someone in a pattern of seemingly harmless lies may seem minor, but it could be a sign of a larger deception. For example, your co-worker Patty in Accounts Receivable has a habit of fudging a little bit on her vacation time. This many not be a capital offense, but if you can’t trust someone to fill out their vacation requests accurately, can you really trust them to dutifully manage a core business function?

At some point, you have probably caught a colleague telling a whopper of a lie. Maybe you even confronted this person about it, and got to hear a sob story about how she’s having trouble at home, or that your boss is putting too much pressure on her. Listen to the grievances, nod politely, and make a mental note: I cannot trust this person.

He Always Has a Good Excuse

In a pivotal scene in House of Cards, President Walker rightly suspects that Frank Underwood is undermining his administration, and the president decides to cut off all contact with him. Desperate to regain the Commander-in-Chief’s favor, Underwood fires off a type-written letter about how he had an unhappy childhood and other challenges, but that he would never, ever betray the president. The earnest-sounding plea works, Underwood regains President Walker’s trust, and promptly destroys him.

The point is, every Machiavellian co-worker has a sad story to tell. He or she will employ it as a last-ditch way to stay out of trouble.

Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves to be treated with compassion. Even Frank Underwood once gave his troubled henchman, Doug Stamper, a “third chance.” However, if the sad stories start piling up, and the excuses become more elaborate, it is time to take a critical eye to your co-worker’s behavior.

She is Always the Hero, and Always the Victim

When things are going great, your Frank Underwood wanna-be will find a way to claim credit. When things go poorly, he or she will be first to dodge the blame. Of course, Frank would use a little false Southern humility to take some of the edge off accepting all the glory, but not all of us are so deft and self-aware.

Keep a close eye on the colleague who feels the need to dominate every staff meeting with his or her profound commentary, then is strangely quiet when your manager wants answers about a missed deadline or a product idea that tanked. If that colleague has any Frank Underwood tendencies, he or she is already mulling over how to put all the blame onto you or someone else.

He Occasionally Turns Toward the Camera and Says Something Deliciously Snide

That would be great, wouldn’t it? Some of the best parts of House of Cards happen when Kevin Spacey’s character turns toward us and shares with us his true, evil intentions.

Unfortunately, real-life villains seldom do this.

Stephen Roth is the author of the humorous novel, A Plot for Pridemore. Be sure to “like” his author fan page at https://www.facebook.com/StephenRothWriter

Be Royal

Tags

humor, kansas city, kansas city royals, major league baseball, san francisco giants, sports, Stephen Roth, world series

Today I have nothing to share except this:

And this:

That will be all. Have a wonderful Thursday.

Conversation with an Eight-Year-Old

Tags

1970s, careers, childhood, diff'rent strokes, dukes of hazzard, grease, john travolta, life purpose, mark manson, self help, smokey and the bandit

I recently read an interesting article by self-help hipster Mark Manson that was titled, “7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose.”

One of those strange questions stuck with me long after I finished the article. It was Question #2: “What is true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry?”

The point of that question seems to be that, if what you are doing today does not capture the passion, purpose and idealism that you once had as a child, then perhaps you do not lead the fulfilling life you deserve. It got me to thinking about my own childhood self, and what he would think about my current activities. What would it be like if I were able to time-travel back to the year 1979 to visit with eight-year-old Stephen Roth? What kind of wisdom would I share with him, and what wisdom would he share with me?

Here’s how I think our conversation would go:

43-year-old Stephen: So how are things going?

8-year-old Stephen: Pretty good. Mom took me to the mall last night and we ate pizza and she bought me a Star Wars action figure. I got a Jawa.

43-year-old Stephen: That sounds like fun. How is school?

Eight-year-old Stephen and his mom.

8-year-old Stephen: How do you think it is? I hate it. I finally learned how to read, so that’s good. But math and cursive are killing me. It gets better, though, right?

43-year-old Stephen: What? School?

8-year-old Stephen: Yeah. It gets easier, doesn’t it?

43-year-old Stephen: Eventually. Let’s just say that you are probably going to have some setbacks in your sophomore year of high school. I’ll just leave it at that.

8-year-old Stephen: (Scowling) That’s really not what I wanted to hear. So how about you? What are you up to?

43-year-old Stephen: Let’s see. Well, for starters, I have a wonderful wife and a four-year-old son. We have an English Shepherd named Keiko.

8-year-old Stephen: Is your wife pretty?

43-year-old Stephen: Of course she’s pretty. She’s a beautiful woman.

8-year-old Stephen: What color is her hair?

43-year-old Stephen: It’s dark brown. She’s a brunette.

8-year-old Stephen: I like blondes. Farrah Fawcett is a blonde. She’s very sexy.

43-year-old Stephen: Well, I think you’ll find that a woman doesn’t have to be blonde to be sexy. You’ve probably been watching too much TV.

8-year-old Stephen:Hey, as long as your wife is pretty, that’s okay with me. So what do you do? Do you have a job?

43-year-old Stephen: I do have a job. I’m a copywriter and content manager for a company that provides financial services for the trucking and transportation industry.

8-year-old Stephen: Hmmm. What’s a…what did you call it? A contest manager?

43-year-old Stephen, trying to look artsy.

43-year-old Stephen: A content manager. It means that I create and manage all the writing and information that appears on our sales materials, websites, that sort of thing.

8-year-old Stephen: What are websites?

43-year-old Stephen: Um, there’s this thing called the Internet…You know what? Never mind all that. I’m basically a writer. I also wrote a novel that just got published.

8-year-old Stephen: That’s cool, I guess. But I was kind of hoping you would be doing something different at your age.

43-year-old Stephen: Like what?

8-year-old Stephen: Well, I hoped that maybe you would be kind of an outlaw. I mean, not a bad guy, really. More of a Robin Hood kind of person.

43-year-old Stephen: I see. You mean the kind of person who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?

8-year-old Stephen: Sorta. You ever seen a show called The Dukes of Hazzard? My friend Curt and me watch it every Friday night. Then, the next day, we get on our bikes and jump over a gravel pile and pretend like we’re driving the General Lee. The General Lee is a really cool car. It’s a 1970 Dodge Charger. Curt’s a little better at jumping his bike than me. He takes more risks.

43-year-old Stephen: (Smiling) Yes, I remember that.

8-year-old Stephen: So I guess I was kind of hoping you would turn out to be a Duke boy. Or at the very least, a sheriff’s deputy.

43-year-old Stephen: I see.

8-year-old Stephen: Basically, someone who drives a cool car really fast.

43-year-old Stephen: Got it.

8-year-old Stephen: You could also be a truck driver. You ever seen Smokey and the Bandit?

43-year-old Stephen: Of course I have. I’ve got it on DVD.

8-year-old Stephen: What’s DVD?

43-year-old Stephen: Oh, it’s…nothing. Look, I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I guess you’ll find out when you get older that your priorities change, that you have different interests and discover new talents. Sometimes we follow a very different path than the one we imagined.

8-year-old Stephen: (Staring off into the distance) Sure. Okay. So tell me, what’s high school like?

43-year-old Stephen: High school is a very interesting time. What do you think it’s like?

8-year-old Stephen: Well, in high school, I think it’s very important to be cool. There’s a lot of cool music and a lot of cool dancing. There’s also a lot of kissing. Like in Grease. You have to wear a cool leather jacket and slick your hair back like John Travolta. Also, the girls aren’t cool unless they wear tight leather pants. And they need to be blonde.

43-year-old Stephen: Okay. Well, high school is a lot more complex than that.

8-year-old Stephen: Really?

43-year-old Stephen: (Thinking for a moment) Well, maybe not that much more complex.

8-year-old Stephen: (Yawning) Are we done talking? Diff’rent Strokes is on in 10 minutes and I’ve gotta finish this stupid grammar worksheet.

43-year-old Stephen: I think we’re done here. Good luck with the next 35 years.

8-year-old Stephen: (Starting to cry) Thanks. It sounds like I’m going to need it.

Stephen Roth is author of the award-winning novel, A Plot for Pridemore. Learn more about Stephen and his book here.

Ode to IKEA

Tags

european, furniture, humor, ikea, kansas city, midwest, retail, Stephen Roth, sweden, trendy

Today an IKEA store opened in Kansas City.

The local newspaper has been making a big deal about it for months. Apparently, some people camped out several days in advance to be among the first to walk through the new building’s glass doors.

Each morning on my way to work, I drive pass the IKEA store, which looms over the Interstate like a blue-and-yellow fortress. The towering IKEA store sign alone is imposing. It has the exact same color scheme as the CarMax dealership at the next exit.

I have heard a lot about the IKEA brand over the years. Earlier this week, we received the company’s free “Book-Book” in the mail. Skimming through it, I thought the furniture looked streamlined, cold and impersonal. I understand IKEA is the leading furniture provider of single, male apartment-dwellers in most major cities. Now I know why.

I have never been inside an IKEA store. I am sure I will visit the new one in Kansas City sometime. I could use some help organizing some shelving in our laundry room. Right now, the room suffers from an inefficient use of space.

Kansas City is usually the last metro area to get a newish retail chain store. That was the case with Crate & Barrel, Trader Joe’s, and countless other trendy merchants. It seems we are something of an afterthought here in America’s Outback.

Nevertheless, it is a big deal in Kansas City when something new opens, not unlike a Taco Bell finally arriving in a farm town. There will be big crowds at the IKEA store for several weekends to come. I think I will sneak over there during the week, when I can examine the flat, efficient furnishings with minimal disruption and leave, more than likely, without having made a purchase.