Exciting Job Opportunity Right Here!

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e-mail, insurance, job market, job search, my life, personal essay, sales, unemployed

One of the neat things about being unemployed is that you get a lot of e-mails. Just sign up for CareerBuilder.com or any other job search site, and all of a sudden everyone wants to help you land a gig. Just yesterday, I received e-mails from Career Alerter, Jobungo, JobSerious, and something called Wullo. Unfortunately, most of the job postings are not exactly the result of what you would call a targeted search. Nursing Assistant, Truck Driver, Cook and Information Technology Specialist are some of the more common recommendations. As soon as I learn how to not burn waffles in my toaster oven, I will probably apply for that cooking gig.

Even more discouraging are the unsolicited e-mails from actual people you don’t know, usually with promising titles like: “You Future Starts Today,” “Be in Control,” and the cleverly deceptive “Following Up on Your Interview Request.” A lot of these have to do with realizing my lifelong dream of starting my own agency for an insurance company. These intimate-sounding e-mails usually read something like this:

Hey Stephen,

We need to talk. As you already know, Greatest American Hero Insurance Corp. is in the process of a massive, nationwide expansion. In the Midwest alone, we expect to open more than 2,000 offices in the next year.

Here’s where you come in: we are searching for enterprising, entrepreneurial, innovative and motivated self-starters to open agency offices for Greatest American Hero. I’ve seen your experience and I know you have the people skills and passion to become an outstanding agent. We at Greatest American Hero would give you to tools you need to start your office, market our menu of policies and build up a loyal customer base. Get on board, because opportunities like these don’t come around very often. Please call me today at 1-877-OUR-HERO. Don’t be afraid to achieve excellence!

Sincerely,
Forest Berrington
Director of North America Sales

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I don’t think I would be an ideal candidate to start an insurance office. I can’t even get through a 30-minute policy review with my State Farm agent without my eyes glazing over and the need to take a little nap. I have not done sales since high school, when the Greenville News-Piedmont would drop me off in the poorest neighborhoods to hawk newspaper subscriptions. That job lasted about six weeks.

So I haven’t yet responded to Forest’s e-mail about the Greatest American Hero opportunity, but I’m saving his contact information. You never know where a job search might take you.

The Perfect Christmas Gift

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children, christmas, gifts, modern life, parents, sleep, sleep-deprived

He didn’t have a lot of money, but he wanted to give Sarah something special, something he knew she would treasure. The past year had been hectic for both of them – job changes, a new house, a strong-willed two-year-old girl they both loved and adored. Sarah hadn’t complained even once all year, and now he was going to give her what she wanted most of all this Christmas, something more precious than anything he could buy on Amazon or even at the jewelry store.

He was going to give her a night of pure, luxurious, uninterrupted sleep.

“Honey, I’ve been thinking,” he said as they sat by the fireplace, enjoying a few minutes of quiet now that Madison was finally in bed.

“Yes, dear?” Sarah said, stifling a yawn.

“Why don’t you go down to the guest bedroom and get a good night’s sleep tonight?”

“What?”

“Get some sleep. I’ll get up with kid. Take all the time you need.”

Sarah stared at him with those big, brown eyes of hers and, then, she couldn’t help it. She broke out into tears.

“Oh, Mike,” she said. “Oh, Mike.”

“I know,” he said, holding her and closing his eyes, wondering what he had just gotten himself into, staying up with Madison half the night. He would pay for it tomorrow but, by God, Sarah deserved this. She was such a good woman.

“I love you, Mike,” she whispered. “I love you so damn much.”

“I love you, too, baby,” he answered, trying hard not to get emotional.

“I’m going to go downstairs now.”

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll try not to wake you.”

She giggled and gave him a little wave. He waved back. It was tough. He was going to miss having someone to cuddle up with tonight, at least until about one o’clock in the morning when Madison crawled into their queen-sized bed. But Mike knew this was the right thing to do, and he knew it would make Sarah so very happy or, at the very least, a little more alert.

Sleep, he thought. It’s something you don’t think much about until you don’t have it. And then, it means the world.

Anchored Down by Hype?

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advertising, anchorman, anchorman 2, hype, marketing, media, promotions, viral, will ferrell

Is it possible to over-promote a movie?

We may find out this weekend with the premiere of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. For the past several weeks, consumers have experienced a barrage of advertising for the movie, including Ron Burgundy cameos on Saturday Night Live, The Today Show, online games and even some local TV newscasts. Will Ferrell’s character has also written op-eds for The Huffington Post, appeared on scores of YouTube videos and, of course, is spokesman for a series of Dodge Durango ads that cross-promote Anchorman 2.

All of this for a sequel to what, in my mind, was a mildly amusing Ferrell comedy from back in 2004. I mean, if Anchorman had been such a huge cultural force, why did it take Paramount nearly a decade to produce a follow-up? Is the world really pining for a continuation of the saga about Ferrell’s pompously stupid 1970s talking head? And, even if the world is, does Anchorman 2 deserve the kind of promotional build-up and viral chatter you would expect from, say, a Star Wars sequel?

According to this article on The Verge, Anchorman 2 may be laying the groundwork for how movies are marketed in the future.

I hope not. As a consumer, I’ve gone from being slightly annoyed by all the Anchorman 2 promos to actively rooting for the movie to flop and possibly even spell the beginning of the end to Ferrell’s one-note comedy career. I’m willing to bet that I am not the only person who is sick of seeing Ron Burgundy’s famous ‘stache, and will opt to go see an actual “good” movie over the holidays, of which there should be plenty (American Hustle, The Monuments Men, The Wolf of Wall Street, to name a few).

Ron Burgundy may try to persuade you that his movie is kind of a big deal. Don’t buy it. Anchorman 2 just another “franchise” sequel that viewers will forget shortly after leaving the theater.

He is Now to be Among You…

Tags

bible, bruce springsteen, genesis 2:24, matthew 18:20, noel paul stookey, paul & mary, peter, social distortion, the stooges, the wedding song, weddings

This Saturday, I am thrilled and honored (and a little bit nervous) to perform in a good friend’s wedding ceremony. I will be singing the Peter, Paul & Mary classic, “The Wedding Song (There is Love)”. And, no, I will not be playing the mandolin.

My friend got the idea for me to sing because he remembered when I crooned for my wife at our wedding reception in 2001 (Frank Sinatra’s “It Had to be You”). He has also heard me perform numerous times with my punk/alt-country rock band, which is currently operating under the name of NewsHole. When choosing a song for his wedding, my friend made it very clear that anything by The Stooges or Social Distortion was off the table. He didn’t even like my suggestion to sing a soulful version of Springsteen’s “Racin’ in the Streets.” Too grim for a wedding, he said.

“There is love…there is love.”

My friend consulted his incredibly trusting and brave fiancée, who to this date has still never heard me sing, and they decided on “The Wedding Song.” I was a little skeptical. I had, of course, heard the song played and performed at other weddings, but I knew very little about it. I didn’t even know its origin as a Peter, Paul & Mary song.

After playing it a few times on YouTube, however, I felt more comfortable. The song’s melody is well within my baritone vocal range, so it’s not very hard to sing. The tricky part has been memorizing the lofty lyrics (“As it was in the beginning, is now until the end…”). Apparently, Noel Paul Stookey had trouble with the words as well. He was asked by his band mate Peter Yarrow to perform an original composition at Yarrow’s wedding in 1969. Stookey asked God for guidance in writing the song, and some of the lyrics are scripture from Matthew 18:20 and Genesis 2:24. Stookey, in fact, believed he shouldn’t take credit for the song, so he set up a public domain foundation that has received royalties from “The Wedding Song” and distributed the money to charities since 1971. Can you imagine the Rolling Stones doing that with one of their biggest hits?

With that kind of history, I have a much greater appreciation for the song. I want to competently convey its beautiful message of love, commitment and hope to my friends’ wedding. I am flattered and touched that they have shown such faith in me to not mess up the ultimate wedding song.

Image stolen from Wikipedia.

The Story Behind the Photo…Maybe

Tags

1990s, gangsta, high school, player, purple passion, sex, suburbia

When you a player, it don’t matter who you ask to the Park Hill High School Christmas Ball. It’s who you end up with that matters.

When you a player, you gotta look the part: cuffs on your pleated pants rolled up ’90s-style, button-down collar, red power tie. Lookin’ sharp, G.

When you a player, wrapping your arms around two fine young ladies is just another day in a player’s life. So what if you sneak a peak down a lady’s dress just to see what kind of engine’s under the hood? Players ain’t perfect, yo.

When you a player, it don’t mean nothin’ if you got an E.T. alarm clock and you sleep on Star Wars bed sheets. It don’t matter if you got your jean jacket from your big brother when he left to go to KU.

When you a player, you got a network of brothers who can hook a player up with a 12-pack of Keystone Light and maybe, on special occasions, a bottle of Purple Passion.

When you a player, the back seat of a 1982 Buick Regal after the Christmas Ball can be exactly that. Regal.

Merry Christmas, y’all.
Player, out!

The Story Behind the Photo…Maybe

Tags

1970s, andy griffith, dick van patten, distractify.com, family photos, fiction, humor, leonard nimoy, photo, sears, star trek, Stephen Roth, story behind the photo

When it came to being a husband and dad, you might say that Mike Schaefer was a bit of a traditionalist.

It was Mike who sat at the head of the table each evening and said grace before the family dug into dinner, and it was Mike who roused everyone out of bed at six o’clock each morning, before heading to his job as an IBM engineer, so that he could from Psalms or Proverbs and get everyone’s day off to a good start. On family outings, Mike was always at the wheel of the Schaefers’ Town & Country station wagon, and he insisted on controlling the tape deck, usually opting for something by The Carpenters or Andy Williams.

Last fall, Mike was the one who decided it was time to invest in a Video Cassette Recorder, and he took pride in knowing how to time it to tape episodes of his two favorite shows in syndication, Star Trek and The Andy Griffith Show. And, of course it was Mike, appalled at all the acid rock infesting the radio, who decided that the Schaefers would form their own “family-friendly” band, which he named, appropriately, “The Mike Schaefer Singers.” They would perform their first gig in July at the V.F.W. Hall, and Mike could hardly wait for his war buddies to hear the group’s exciting but completely wholesome new sound.

Yes, Mike called the shots in the Schaefer family, unlike some of those other families you might see on television, where the dad was usually kind of a clueless, Dick Van Patten-style dolt. Lisa Schaefer was good at doing what she did – keeping things clean, cooking great meals, and making sure that Mike Jr. and Michelle dressed stylishly. Lisa was a good hausfrau, as Mike’s Austrian grandfather might have put it. But Mike was the king of his castle, the master of his domain.

When it came time to take the annual Schaefer family picture, and the guy at Sears explained that there was a new, high-tech method of blending one photographic image into another, making it appear that one family member was hovering over everyone else, as if watching over them like some sort of deity, the family instinctively knew what to do.

“That should be you, Dad,” Mike Jr. suggested.

“Who me?” said Mike. “Oh, no. That sounds silly.”

“You really should, dear,” Lisa said. “You’re the rock in our family, our spiritual guide. It would be perfect.”

“You think so, huh?” Mike said, quietly pleased that he didn’t have to be the one to mention the idea. “Well, okay.”

Years later, as the nation and its values continued to tumble to new lows on an almost daily basis, it remained Mike Schaefer’s favorite family photo. And he kept it in a sacred place atop his mantelpiece, right next to the autographed picture of Leonard Nimoy.

Photo borrowed from distractify.com.

The Drone on the Shelf

Tags

children, christmas, north korea, nsa, orwell, parenthood, spying, television, the elf on the shelf

The Elf on the Shelf has been around for a few years now, I know. It’s new to our household this Christmas, however, because our son has reached the age when we felt that hiring a member of Santa’s secret police would be most effective in curbing his holiday behavior. Last year, he was just getting used to the idea of this fat guy in a red suit flying around in a sleigh and spreading good cheer all over the world. This year, he really gets it. Our son is almost four years old and he completely buys into the Santa Claus concept.

“It’s almost Halloween,” I told him one warm October afternoon when we were sitting on the front stoop, eating popsicles.

“That’s nice,” my son said. “But it’s not Christmas.”

On Friday night, we unveiled the Elf on the Shelf package ($30 for a cheaply made elf doll and a hardcover storybook. Can you imagine the profit margin on this product?). We introduced our son to the elf, I read the storybook, then we sat down to watch the Elf on the Shelf Christmas Special on TV. Then, it was time to “name” our elf and file the necessary paperwork, which included registering online for an official adoption certificate. After some thought, our son decided on the name “Nick.” My wife promptly placed Nick on top of the upright piano, and explained that we cannot under any circumstances touch the elf, because then he will lose his magic.

Our son likes the idea of having Nick around the house, and so far he delights in getting up each morning to find where Nick has landed (he flies back to the North Pole every night to report to Santa on how our child is behaving). I can’t say that Nick’s presence has improved our three-year-old’s behavior, but he does understand that the elf is there to do a job.

“He talks to Santa,” he said solemnly when I reminded him that Nick wouldn’t be very pleased to see how much leftover turkey our son had left on his plate during Sunday dinner.

As a parent, I have mixed feelings about The Elf on the Shelf. On the surface, it seems like a fun Christmas tradition (one that could easily be staged without paying $30 for the boxed set). But in reading the storybook, which lays out the elf’s duties in somewhat clumsy rhyme and meter, I grew a little concerned. Take this passage, for instance:

I tell him if you have been good or been bad.
The news of the day makes him happy or sad.
A push or a shove I’ll report to “the Boss,”
but small acts of kindness will not be a loss.
In the car, in the park, or even at school,
the word will get out if you broke a rule.

Wow. So Nick is part of a vast network of elf spies who report to Santa each night leading up to Christmas on everything your child has been doing, good or bad. Then Santa alone will pass judgment on whether or not the child should be rewarded or punished in the form of giving/withholding Christmas presents. Correct me if this doesn’t sound a little bit like North Korea?

On the other hand, maybe The Elf on the Shelf is distinctly American? After all, our children are going to grow up in a world where anything they do in public or on their digital devices can be filmed, monitored and analyzed, where GPS in their phones will track everywhere they go. Maybe the elf is just a primer for the big, Orwellian world to come?

Perhaps it is good that our children become acquainted at an early age with the reality that somebody out there is watching them and taking notes. At least Nick the Elf is up-front and friendly about it:

The gleam in my eye and my bright little smile
shows you I’m listening and noting your file.

Merry Christmas, everyone. And be good!