Let me begin by stating that I like business people. Most of the ones I know are smart, hard-working, analytical and decisive. They show up on time and get things done. They are not nearly as moody, sensitive or cynical as creative types like me. And to watch a business person manipulate an Excel spreadsheet is to witness an artist at the easel: hiding and un-hiding columns, sorting sales figures and rearranging rows in the same amount of time it takes me to type in a single stock number. They are good with the data.
With that said, I believe that business people – and by “business people” I mean marketers, accountants, product managers, lawyers and anyone else who can explain to you what something like “EBITDA” stands for – pose the biggest threat to the English language since the nonsensical lyrics of Oasis. They just don’t do words well. Not that there’s anything sinister going on. It’s just that business people keep trying to “manage” language the same way they move things around on those digital spreadsheets, using certain words in ways they never were meant to be used.
Take the word, “impact,” for example. It is NOT a verb. It is incorrect to say something like, “We expect the one-time costs of AMCE Corp. buyout to impact net earnings for the third quarter.” Business people started using impact in this fashion many years ago, even though there is a perfectly decent verb – “affect” – that means exactly what they so badly wanted impact to mean.
Sadly, you don’t have to attend an earnings conference to hear liberal and incorrect usage of impact. Everyone makes it a verb nowadays: educators, government leaders, journalists, social workers, sports announcers… Everyone. And those ambitious business people, always trying to stay ahead of the culture, have now made an adjective out of impact. It’s “impactful.” If you haven’t heard that one, stick around. It’s coming to a television near you.
“At the end of the day, we need to maximize synergies that will be impactful to the bottom line. M’kay? Great.”
There are, of course, other examples of words that corporate types have taken hostage, or ones they have simply invented. Take “ideation.” Please. It sprung up a few years ago and is basically a fancy way of saying, “brainstorm,” or, put more plainly, “thinking.” But no middle manager worth his or her six-figure salary would ever say, “let’s schedule a half-day thinking session.” And “brainstorm” would sound almost as quaint. So instead they say, “let’s ideate!” And their business casual-attired colleagues around the conference room table smile and nod knowingly, secure in the sense that their boss is up on the latest business jargon.
The misuse of impact and the creation of ideation are clear impositions on the English language. And there are many others. But there is one taking root in Power Point presentations across the country that is far worse. I would almost dare say it may be the hydrogen bomb of business-ese (which is a word I just made up). I’m talking about the use of “ask” as a noun. As in, “will you be attending the Tuesday afternoon ask that we have scheduled with the Innovation Steering Committee?” Yes. The ask. Formerly know as, “a question.” I am not making this crap up.
It would all sound silly if these language trends didn’t have a way of seeping from the board rooms into the general population. Will people begin saying, “the ask” or “my ask” in regular conversation soon? It’s possible. And if we can’t use a word like that properly, what is the point in talking or communicating or having a common language at all?
The whole mess reminds me of an exchange I once had with my high school English teacher. We were on a trip for the National Forensics League (which is sort of like debate for theater geeks, only less cool). We had been sitting for hours in some school cafeteria, waiting our turn to perform, when I tossed a half-empty Coke at a trash barrel, missing the barrel entirely and splashing the English teacher, who was our luckless chaperone that weekend.
“My bad,” I said with a shrug as my forensics friends snickered.
“My bad? Is that what you just said?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“That,” he said (then he paused for dramatic effect), “is the stupidest, most ignorant thing I have ever heard. I know cocker spaniels who have a better grasp of English than you.”
My teacher was a bit of a pompous tool, but he was right on this count. It’s not okay to use words incorrectly. Most of the time, it makes you sound stupid. And a high school junior who is about to walk into a mostly empty classroom to recite the Clarence Darrow part of Inherit the Wind should really know better.
So should all those professionals with their MBAs, Juris Doctorates and other fancy degrees. Please use proper English, business people. That is all I ask.
A Place for My Stuff 
I think I have said this before . . . I love your blog! And (I have noticed that you have a penchant for starting/beginning sentences with conjunctions–particularly “And” and “But.” But I accept that as “okay,” as it “stylizes” your writings.) I’m a lawyer. I also noticed that you do not use the Oxford comma. Away back when your mother and I were learning (or attempting to learn) English grammar, we were taught (by the legendary IGD) to use the Oxford comma–although we never heard it called such. Maybe they called it the “serial comma” back then. (I still prefer to use it. I think there are times when, if you don’t use it, it may not be clear what you’re trying to say. By the way, have you read Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (written by Lynne Truss, the former host of BBC Radio 4’s Cutting a Dash programme)? If not, I commend it to you. It’s GREAT!
I’m glad you love the blog. I’ve enjoyed writing it so far, even more than I expected. My writing background is primarily 12 years of newspaper reporting. Most of the publications I worked for did not require usage of the Oxford comma in their style guides. That is probably why I don’t typically use it in my writing. I do have a copy of Eats, Shoots and Leaves. I wish I could say that I have read it from cover to cover. White & Strunk’s Elements of Style is also an excellent source. Thanks for following my blog. I really appreciate the comments!
I beg to differ, the worst thing to happen to the English language is political correctness. This perversion creates words & phrases to lessen the (the perceived) impact of the truth. For example, we went from lame to handicapped to physically challenged…to whatever is next. Lame is not a bad word, it is not something to hide behind the curtain. A person or animal is lame, it is. One thing for certain, it is not dirty or disgusting. It is simply the truth, key word “simply”. There is no doubt that some people make jargon a full-time job. Wait till you are in your 70s, you will find living a full-time job. I love you.
Auntie has a point. By the way, do you follow her Amazon.com reviews? Good writing seems to run in your family.
Don’t disagree with your view that we need to “tighten up” the misuse of the English language. I have several friends who agree with you. I personally find the use of poor grammar even more offensive.
But the biggest thing we need to correct in our country before we tackle the above, is simply making sure that English is spoken, as it is the national language. Why are state and public employees conversing in Spanish while serving the public. I am not talking about helping someone who doesn’t understand English, I am talking about using Spanish by choice, rather than English. Why are places of business not making their employees who are serving customers speak English? It is the epitome of rudeness, almost like whispering a secret in front of someone who is not to hear it, to speak in another language obviously to keep someone from hearing what is being said.
I completely disagree. The use of businessese is just like any other jargon. It separates those in the know from the poseurs. It is important to to any insular group to be able to identify the truly knowledgeable members. In addition it provides entree to the new comers . Learning the jargon is a quick and easy way to fit in and by doing so it shows the established members the neophyte is willing to adapt to the group’s ways. It is an integral part of society. The fact that some of these terms seep into normal society is inevitable, but that only serves to expand the language.
To take your example. Impact as a verb is not only more sonorous than affect, but it actually communicates the intention on the speaker better. The speaker isn’t just looking for the Acme buyout to affect earnings; it is going to IMPACT the earnings. Bam! Things are radically changing. This is a watershed moment. That one substitution changes the sentence entirely.
Why not encourage people, even business people, to speak and write more poetically? Why not allow everyone, not just the creative types, to meld the language into something new? Why not challenge old forms and stale meanings to better communicate thoughts and ideas?
Second, your English teacher was and idiot in addition to a pompous tool. “My bad,” is one of the greatest phrases in the English language. It allows a person to succinctly take responsibility for their mistakes, implies an apology, and an intention to do better next time. Qualities so rare in our society. It is perfect for when some one bumps you in a hallway, spills a drink, our bounces a pass just out of reach. You don’t need a disertation just an acknowledgement. “My bad,” is quick, to the point, and doesn’t belabor the issue. The world would be a much better place if everyone used, “My bad,” more often.
Finally, use the Oxford comma. That is a much bigger travesty then any businessese, and I believe the correct term is business-speak. You no longer write for a medium that values space above clarity and grammar. The internet is literally infinite. Use the Oxford comma.
Bobby, you will be happy to know that my novel, when it is published next year by Mercer University Press, will use the Oxford comma.
I will be combing it for business-speak.